No plan, no problem

I felt driven, planned, somewhat controlled — by choice.
No one told me to be; I wanted it that way. I had it that way for a very long time. It was good then.

What I needed was to foresee, in some ways, what was coming — something to look forward to. Something that kept me going, motivated, and in line with my plans. Often a year ahead in the midterm. Some further away, yet with a deadline.

Something changed lately, and while I do still have long-term goals, the deadlines are fading, and midterm goals are almost all gone. What remains are short-term goals — maybe two weeks ahead. Not much more. Some invitations may be midterm, yet they have no need to be confirmed.

It’s unusual for me to feel good about this. Something changed.
And interestingly enough, it happened when I was searching for future meaning in my life.

It seems I moved away from future projection —
from finding meaning in anticipation,
stability from structure,
safety from predictability,
and moved away from the identity of being the one who plans ahead.

I don’t think this will make me less driven, yet it moves me away from future projections to nurture my present.

Yes, at moments there is an unsettling calm there, yet it’s also very satisfying not to have a plan, not to need to plan ahead, not to have a vision. More a short-term now–done–now situation, instead of a past–plan–future identity.

Which might mean that a big part of my identity is dissolving. That may be a big shift, reshaping many aspects of my day-to-day life in particular.

Moving away from control toward response is rather daunting at the moment, yet I start to realize the benefits without losing ambition. I simply become more spontaneous, I guess.
Less controlled and more toward self-trust.

Yet I don’t want to replace one identity with another — like from needing to plan to not planning at all. I would like to reach a state where I simply don’t need it for identification.

I want to be able to commit and plan if that arises — to have a choice of either or. The balance of it all. I can, yet don’t have to.

This period needs integration, like every shift, every change — fundamental or not, as well as some grief, to a point, because a large and dominant part of my personality is disappearing.

Do you relate?
Lets-Talk about it

Namaste

Stefan